I lay awake in bed not daring to move. I turn to look at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It’s only 3 am. I move my head slightly trying to gauge how bad the hangover will be this morning. I can feel the weight of my head and nausea starting to build. I start to feel a dull throbbing over my left eye. Maybe it won’t be so bad this time.
When I open my eyes a few hours later things seem a little better. I turn off the alarm right before it goes off. I slowly slide my feet to the floor and shakily make my way down the hall to the bathroom. I sit and pee cradling my head, asking myself the same question that I ask myself most mornings. Why can’t I just have one or two glasses? Why does it have to be the whole bottle? When will I stop drinking?
I slowly get up and make my way over to the sink. I look in the mirror assessing the damage of the night before. My bloated face looks back. Under my eyes, the bags seem heavier than usual. I wear my drinking on my face. Now that I am older, it just looks worse and stays around longer. I wonder if people at work are starting to notice. I run the water for the shower. I can’t remember which way to turn the old faucet for hot or cold water. I feel the panic rising. This is an everyday thing that I have been doing for the last 15 years since living in this old house. My brain is just not working. I assure myself that I will better after a shower.
As I reach for a towel, I try to convince myself that I really do feel better, but I don’t. I know that my lingering headache will be at full force in a couple of hours. I think of the bottle of wine that I have yet to open. Sitting snug in the corner on the kitchen counter. All I have to do is get through the shift and the bottle will be waiting for me. I will be enjoying that first glass of wine, comfortable in the knowledge that I have a whole bottle left. A little voice inside my head reminds me of the morning after. More questions start to rise to the surface. I push these troubling thoughts aside. After all, the morning after is another whole day away.
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Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
